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Friday, July 20, 2007

What Grown Men Do When Their Wives Say, "Not tonight sweetie"

Men, it is said are really babies who never grow up. I am a man but unfortunately there is too much evidence to support that allegation.

The excuses wives come up with to avoid submitting to their husbands' conjugal rights are centered on the nagging headache that magically and conveniently appears the moment the man of the house wants to get "heavily romantic."

All hell breaks loose in many Kenyan homes mainly because trouble starts with the way the man asks for it. When he was dating the girl that is now mama watoto, the asking was an elaborate well thought out affair. It would usually start with a nyama choma session at he favorite joint, conveniently close to where all the action would take place later. "Just one drink" would follow but actually it would end up being many drinks. You know the drill.

But now that the chic has become mama watoto and supposedly his property, the drill changes dramatically. After he has complained about everything from the moment he got home the brute orders Mama watoto to turn over in a gruff voice the minute they are in bed. Others even give silent instructions military style with only signs of the hand.

But the subject of this article is based on the fact that the women of Kenya have come a long way and these days many put their foot down and refuse to be treated like some overused doormat. Now how some men react when they have failed to receive the "goods" the night before. Ladies read the following different case studies below and see where your man fits in;

a) Wakes up the following morning in a very bad mood, leaves the house without leaving any food money because clearly he looks like he will explode the moment anybody makes any attempt to ask for any money from him.

b) The moment he is told "Not tonight sweetie." In a very nice way, he sulks and moves to the sitting room sofa where he spends the night. Inevitably he wakes up with a stiff painful neck in the morning and of course its' all the fault of the wife.

c) Calls his mother and converses in his vernacular for a long time until Michael Joseph disconnects the call until more air time can be purchased.

d) Some silly men actually get violent. Former Ugandan VP and the first woman to be appointed Vice President in Africa used to do this and left the VP's security detail in great difficulties over what to do. The beating was such that the VP's life was often in danger and they were forced to intervene.

e) Goes to sit in front of the TV flipping channels looking for steamy sex scenes.

f) Calls the new Maendeo ya Wanaume secretariat to file a complaint.

g) Sulks in the house for a week, all the time maintaining a face that closely resembles those huge mandazis cooked in kiosks in rural areas that have excessive baking powder and this "swell" to abnormal proportions.

h) Despite the protests rapes his wife (actually most Kenyans—including unmarried women swear that rape is not possible on the marital bed) Her bitter tears are not a deterrent. When he is finished, he then taunts her to report it to the cops, the chief or anybody else she would like to.

Any other unique reactions out there that you, my dear readers would like to share?

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Phil said...

Chris, on who's side are you?

Traditionally girls were taught that regular sex and good food will keep their husbands happy and their marriages intact. Remove those two ingredients from any marriage Chris, and you are in real problems.

Modern way of life is putting African marriages to real test. The so called 'liberated women' are not only at par with men on income earning, they have adapted western way of life that is introducing dangerous dimensions in bringing up children. Because they earn the same like men (some earn a lot more), it is very difficult for the 'man of the house' to put their foot down in a simple domestic management situation.

For instance, just like men, these 'liberated women' have frequent evenings and nights out 'with other gals'. They get drunk, smoke cigarettes and god knows what else! (Dont you dare check her hand bag!) The same group is no longer keen on cooking your favourite matumbo stew and sukuma wiki. You crave for fried tilapia fish, you can only eat it at Kosewe's. They prefer to call debonaires pizza home delivery. If not, brace for a daily ready-to-eat pre-packaged food from the local Nakumatt store. And again, thank God if you marry a wife who can accept to wash your shirts. Most households now employ up to three housegirls because the 'liberated wife' must catch up with the latest episodes of Desparate Housewives. Astonishingly, some follow the English Premier League like religion, and cant afford to miss all the live matches - at a pub with friends - kick-off as late as 10pm. Not that you dont have DSTV at home. She has her own car, and she will drive herself, what the hell. The liberated lot dont fancy that long (30day) December vacation to your rural home - where there is no electric power or tap water. Woe unto you if your working hours go beyond bed time. You arrive home late from the office, you will be lucky if the maid (let alone the wife) wakes up to fix diiner. You are likely to warm yourself a snack (debonaire leftover) on your microwave and hit the bed on that, and that alone! No romance, nothing Chris. In the old days Chris, girls were taught to sleep naked in their matrimonial beds, to facilitate access for the husband; but today (thanks to flourishing mitumba trade) they sleep in track suits, tights, boby suits and swimming shorts. Its a disaster because modern beds are much bigger now, not like those days where the biggest bed you could buy at A.R.T. was 4' x 6'. Its a nightmare these days, as you can easily get a custom made bed and silent night matress size 7' x 7', and god will help you all those men in these cold July nights. In the end of it, you find that the only place 'unliberated men' may find solace and happiness in these tight days is not their own homes home but a local pub (with satellite TV channels for watching European football leagues) or kesha churches. Infact the football off season is proving to be a nightmare for both 'unliberated married men' and rising number of bachelors and spinsters in Kenya. Ask yourself why churches and pubs are sprouting everywhere and I will tell you it is directly linked to the changing domestic scenario. Infact, its total chaos.

It is difficult Chris.

amazed said...

Kumbe mambo ni haya siku jua
Some of these are a tad unusual


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