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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Regular Violent Wife Rape By A Dutiful Husband

One of the advantages of having a blog that allows anonymous comments is the fact that people can dare share intimate details of what is really bothering them. Marital rape is an issue that is not discussed enough and yet from the kind of letters I have been receiving for a long time, it is a huge problem in Kenya.

Here is an example of what some Kenyans wives go through;

Dear Kumekucha,

Thank you for your informative blog.

I wanted to make a suggestion that you discuss this thing of marital rape in your blog. You touched on it some time back but did not say much.

This thing of wife rape is true kabisa. My husband is in the mood virtually every night and expects me to dutifully turn over and do my duty, no matter what kind of day I have had. But sometimes I am too exhausted to submit, after a hectic day in the office and so I stand my ground and refuse. That's when all hell breaks lose. He will sulk and accuse me of desiring other men and not being interested in him. Then finally if he sees no reaction from me he will usually turn round quickly and violently force my legs apart completely ignoring my protests. To me this is not sex between a man and a wife but rape, pure and simple. Akishamaliza he will then turn over and within minutes will be snoring.

I love my husband and have nothing else against him. He is a good provider and an excellent father and I dare say, a good lover. But this is his one weakness that really bothers me. Any suggestions as to what I should do?

My initial reaction is that this is a typical man who does not understand women and is probably not really interested in doing so. Which marriage does not have a problem of an oversexed man (other times it is an oversexed woman)? However the problem mainly arises when it is the man who has excess libido. More often than not they will fail to control themselves and end up forcing themselves on their poor exhausted wives. This is rape, no matter what angle you look at it from.

My fellow men are notorious for their ignorance where women are concerned. They fail to realize that the cardinal rule is that a woman is like a bank account. You take out exactly what you have put in… and maybe some interest after a long time. Even your wife of 20 years is still a woman and would not mind a little "bribery" to put her into the mood. A box of her favorite chocolates. Flowers on another day other than the usual Valentines (just because everybody else is giving flowers) and so on. How about washing dishes and reducing her load when she comes from work on that D-Day? I realize that what I am suggesting here is not African, but then what is African?

See also;
Father and two sons seduced by a woman called "death."

A True Kenyan Story: A Doctor’s Revenge

A True Kenyan Story: Matatu Nightmare

Couples Reunion At The Airport After 6 Long Years, Turns Ugly

Angry real Gikuyu man answers long suffering Kenyan beauty

Errant Buru Buru Husband Taught a Lesson By Cheeky Wife


Anonymous said...

I can not dare to comment on this issue. It is too risky, he would know. But it's good of you to expose this. I love my husband.

Anonymous said...

I am a Luo and i once had a relationship with a kyuk guy. Oh my God he was so very boring in bed.He would just do his thing and turns around and snores. I am not judging all kyuk men on being boring in bed because as a Luo, it would sound racist of which i am not otherwise i wouldnt have been going out with the jamma in the 1st place(and ofcourse i find that barberic-we are all same regarless of tribe) and lastly, i dont find it logicall to do so since i think it depends on an individuals 'art' in bed. All i know is i am never dating a kiuk man ever,and i mean ever again!

Anonymous said...

Sorry. I meant it would sound like i am being tribalistic NOT racist as i indicated above.

Anonymous said...

I was once in a class where some a counselor and a pastor's wife said there is nothing like marital rape ati it is just a disagreement/misunderstanding.Then the married women had nothing but complaints about their sex lives one even narated how she being a pastor's wife who has a fulltime job came home from work at 10pm to find pple waiting to be counseled and prayed for.She embarked on this with an aim of clearing her house so that she could get some sleep.When she sat on the bed some 3 hours later she just fell asleep and her hubby had to even help her out of her workcloths into her nighty coz of how tired she was shortly after the guy was groping her wanting to have sex.The woman was DEAD tired.She told him she was just too tired the guy sulked for the rest of the week and on going to her spiritual mother she was adviced to never deny him as that is not submitting to your husband and that her marriage would see marked improvement after this.Personally I dunno what to make of such my personal philosophy is that one should not be sending anonymous mails to kumekucha about marital rape yet they are putting up with it.Ladies we have all the power to make our lives what we want it to be but we keep giving it away.Personally I have taken personal responsibility for all aspects of my life and have learnt to be true to myslef.Meaning if I wont leave an abusive relationship I should not complain to others about it and if am unfulfilled by a situation I leave the situation.If this lady gets more from the marriage than what she loses while being raped she should accept that and learn to be content otherwise she divorces the guy.

Anonymous said...

There is nothing called Marital Rape. Even after marriage, if a spouse needs to get "permission" to have sex with parnter, then its a shame for the other.

Its simply means that if one person has to force himself for sex, the other partner is a sexual failure.

If u don't like marital rape, then just get out of marriage. Why to be still in relationship - take all the advantages of marriage, and still cry crocodile tears of marital rape?

Better we go for no marriages, and let rape be the only thing to satisfy sexual desires then. Atleast the offender will serve his/her prison term in satisfaction that he had no right to force him/her on a stranger rather then his/her spouse (and still going to prison).

Shame on those conventional psychoparaths who have ruined the privacy of husband and wife's relationship, and r putting conditions in every relationships.

Anonymous said...

I believe that if a woman is forced tohave sex against her will, then it is rape. However, in the confines of marriage, the day you signed the marriage contract, you consented to give you body to your spouse. The concept of marital rape is flawed. If one or other of you leaves you spouse with no option but to force him or herself on you, then there is a sexual mismatch between you that needs to be looked at very closely.

My first wife was only interested in sex for 5 days of the month that is when she was ovulating. The rest of the month is was battlefield for me to have sex. I turned to other women.

My second wife never denies me sex except during a period, which I understand.

The concept of marital rape is flawed. Rape is rape. But denial in a marriage is a mis match. Who ever was talking about men should "control themselves", has never had a real man's sex drive.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I realise that I am coming to this very late but I have to comment.


I lived in a marriage for over 11 years where I was regularly raped by my husband. It didn't matter what I said or did, if he wanted it he took it. No amount of chocolate or presents would have changed what he did to me.

If you want the real picture about partner rape trying reading Rape In Marriage (sorry can't remember one authours name) by Kirsti Yllo and David someone. Or If you live with it try the book Real Rape Real Pain by Patricia Easteal. Or maybe look at any of the studies that show that rape by a sexual intimate causes deeper and longer lasting psychological damage than rape by a stranger.

People like you and some who made comments are the reason why women who are raped by their partners rarely go to the police or seek help. How about this fact: Women who are beaten and raped in a marriage are more likely to be killed by their abuser than a woman who is beaten but not raped. Something like 50% more likely.

The simple problem with ignorance like that shown here is that it is easier to blame a victim than to place the responsibility where it truly lies. It does not matter if it happens in a heterosexul or same-sex relationship, if the man does it or a woman. Sexual contact without consent is a CRIME!!!

Anonymous said...

i think when you marry , when you say i do, you consent to sex, my hubby wants it 4 times a day, ok so he getts in 4 times a day sex is fun, and invgerating, my hunny is the guy at work not complaining about his wife about lack of sex he just smiles

Anonymous said...

to tired for sex, ladies whats wrong with you , if your man wants to have sex with you, not cheat hell put out, i do for mine is is great at it, i do not want him looking elsewhere

Anonymous said...

my god.

The power is with you. you want to stop marital rape, then fix the problem.. consent.

I mean really, even if you have been on your feet all day working your ass off, is 10 minutes of laying on your back occasionally grunting or moaning going to kill you?

Lets be realistic...women.. do you think he married you because romantic love exists? No cause there is no such thing other than an idealized notion drilled into peoples heads in order to instill monogamy in order to keep the population low.

Do you think he married you for your mind? Do you think he married you to listen to your inner most thoughts and feelings?

No, he married you cause he wanted to fuck you. Women you are also guilty here too because you know this, and you use this fact to your advantage, cause if you didnt implant the notion that sex would come along with marriage, he wouldnt do it.

So live up to your end of the bargain. You have a husband who will live with you, protect you, help you, and do practically anything you ask of him, then least you can do is lay there like a log for 10 min or so, and pretend like he is the most magnificent lover that has ever existed, simply to make him happy for all the things hes done for you.

What is the alternative, is it really worth witholding just because you dont feel its special or romantic? Is it worth depressing your husband? Is it worth creating a needless hostility and resentment in your relationship? What happens if he someday snaps and starts beating you, what happens if someday he snaps and kills you, what if he becomes so depressed and lonely at being denied a basic human intimacy that he ends up killing himself? Was it really worth the 10 minutes of your time resisting, just because the act didnt make you feel like you were special and romanced?

Get a damned grip, figuratively and literally, and live up to your end of the bargain.. cause literally it is the least you can do.

Anonymous said...

Why do you feel like you are "submitting" to sex with your husband? You should WANT to have sex with your husband for YOURSELF and for him.
Doesn't it feel good? It is supposed to. Why are you forcing your husband to beg you for sex? That is an f---ed up marriage.
Oh you are tired? How much effort is it for you to lay there and let him have some fun?
Ok, if he is a bum, then get a divorce. But, if he is a good man, and good husband and provider, and you love him like you say, then you should not harm your marriage by withholding sex.
He will be frustrated, feel bad, and think you are getting it somewhere else.
You should WANT to please him for all he does for the family. If you don't, there is something wrong with YOU or your marriage.

Anonymous said...

this is exactly why a man should have more than one wife..

Anonymous said...

Its pleasure to gve ourselves to our hubby.why grls thinking that men raping in also having heart and feeling to share with their wife,same to women.its a heaven when me and my hubby in bed.

Mommyof3 said...

There's a difference between giving in to sex and rape. Just because you give in doesn't mean he raped you. I have in plenty when I was tired and didn't want it. Then there we're those times when he forced me. There's a fn difference people. He forced her and she will be effected by that it may take time for her to realize it but it will creep out one way or the other..


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