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Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Kenya Politics Jokes: Hilarious 2007 General Elections Jokes

In the last days of the Moi regime life was almost unbearable in Kenya (little did we know that the worst was yet to come). But thanks to the Redykyulass comedians Kenyans were able to laugh a lot about some very serious issues. We are in an almost identical situation (if not worse) with the Kibaki administration. And it is for this reason that we have launched political jokes in this popular blog. They will be updated regularly. Enjoy.


Count down to general elections jokes;

Emilio’s grand son asked his grand-dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time...?" Emilio replied, "No. Some begin with 'After I'm elected..."

Q&A (Exclusive)

On the achievements of the Kibaki Administration

Q: What has President Kibaki done almost effortlessly that former President Moi failed miserably at?
A: Unite the LDP and Kanu.

Q: What happened to the 500,000 jobs the Narc administration promised to create every year?
A: Statistics prove that 600,000 jobs have in fact been created annually since the Narc government came to power. Here is a recent breakdown;

50,000 carjackers
50,000 muggers
37 developers of collapsing buildings
63 liars and cover-up artists for Anglo leasing-like projects
100,000 Brand new burglars and other petty offenders
124,884 rapists
15,000 car thieves
22,000 pickpockets
12,000 Brand new beggars
750 Vicious Wife beaters countrywide out of frustration
250 Vicious Husband beaters countrywide.
100,000 child molestors
2 foreign mercenaries
1 Political asylum seeker in UK over Anglo Leasing
13 Local specialist newspaper burning and press raid experts
1 Former President actively involved in politics
125,000 Kenyan immigrants who have had to flee Kenya to seek survival elsewhere.

600,001 jobs in total have been created.



Q: What is the first thing that the President says after waking up?
A: "Good morning, Emilio."


Q: You know what the problem with political jokes in Kenya is, don't you?
A: They got elected in 2002. And some even more hilarious ones are leading opinion polls to get elected in 2007.


Q: Why is security so tight around Lucy Kibaki?
A: Because if something happens to her, Emilio becomes President!

See 2007 Election predictions

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As long as some people (many times with the help of foreign agents) will want to fiddle with presidential election tallying results, the post of chairman of the electoral body will remain the most deadly public office in the country called Kenya and maybe even on the entire African continent.

Wafulu Chebukati: immediate former IEBC chairman who announced very strange presidential results in August 2022

As we have seen in past elections the chairman of elections in Kenya will always end up in a situation where they are confronted by public wrath or even worse a situation where because they know too much about how the election was fiddled with, somebody decides to get rid of them thus eliminating a potential loose end that could lead to exposure.

But even in the one case (2002) where the real presidential elections have been announced, the role of electoral chairman in Kenya has still proved to be a demanding and high-pressure position. Crisis-management skills and quick thinking are obviously key requirements

History shows us that after overseeing bungled elections, many of these chairmen find it impossible to move on successfully to other endeavors. One significant factor contributing to this challenge is the toll that the position seems to take on their health and even psychological well being.

One notable example is Samuel Kivuitu, who served as the chairman of the electoral body (then the ECK) during the controversial 2007 elections. After his term ended, Kivuitu's health deteriorated significantly and very rapidly. He passed away as a pale shadow of his former self.

But even more telling was the fact that the death of Kivuitu on 25th February 2013, just a week before the 2013 general elections raised eyebrows and sparked suspicion among many. Kivuitu's sudden demise came after a period of significant weight loss and reports of him suffering from multiple illnesses.

In a country where superstitions often intertwine with politics, some Kenyans couldn't help but link Kivuitu's deteriorating health to his decisions during the 2007 elections, which were marred by violence and resulted in numerous deaths. The timing of his death so close to another crucial election only added fuel to the fire of speculation. There are those who argued that he may have been bumped off because he was known to be outspoken and may have said something to attract attention to what those who were rigging that election wanted to do.

In retrospect it appears that Kivuitu may have had little choice in his decisions which were forced on him by threats and it is unlikely that he received any monetary reward for his pronouncements. The same cannot be said for others who came after him because their lavish lifestyles after leaving the electoral body may suggest some mischief.

While it is important to approach such claims with skepticism and rely on concrete evidence, it is undeniable that Kivuitu's passing under the circumstances mentioned above raises questions about the potential influence of his past actions on his health and ultimately his untimely demise.

If you ask most Kenyans they will tell you that the post of chairman of the IEBC is a dangerous one that most candidates for the job take too lightly when applying. They never come anywhere near considering the reality of the job in our current political environment. They therefore end up with blood on their hands after going against the will of the people and from then on are doomed to a life of frustration and living under a curse. Which means after chairing the Kenyan electoral body the man or woman will go absolutely nowhere after that until their day of catching their last "flight" out of the world of the living.








Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Predictions 2007 Elections: Kibaki/Kanu Faction Coalition Wins Landslide Election Victory

Predictions 2007 Elections: Kibaki/Kanu Faction Coalition Wins Landslide Election Victory




So you think you have heard of all the possible bad news about Kenya that you can take in? Think again... There is much more to come...

Look out for these horrifying headlines shortly after the coming general elections;


Kibaki/Kanu Faction Coalition Wins Landslide Election Victory
76 year old President hailed as the great come-back kid by clique of supporters

Artur brothers, Ketan Somia and Kamlesh Patnni in attendance at swearing in ceremony at Uhuru Park as reporters fail to address issue of how the heavily funded campaign was financed

Kiraitu Murungi Back In The Cabinet With A Bang!

Appointed Minister In new Ethics and Anti-corruption Ministry

 

Kibaki Seeks Help From Moi
In unpredented move, former President Moi is nominated MP and appointed Minister of State for Special (Crisis Prevention) projects in the Office of the President. Mzee Barengtuny called out of retirement to be new Secretary to the cabinet. Njenga Karume is new Foreign affairs minister. Minister of Finance is John "Standard Raid" Michuki. President opts for fellow wazees that he can trust for key ministries
Analysts worry about new cabinet's ability to stay awake during meetings, let alone understand what the hell is going on in Kenya. 'Are there no young men in Kenya?' international community wonders.

Chris Murungaru To Head A Commission To Investigate Circumstances Under Which Government Secrets Leaked To The Press With The Aim Of Preventing Similar Future Disasters.
Vows To Table Bill To Strengthen Official Secrets Act.

Kenyan voters ditch spirited attempt by new generation of politicians born after independence and opt for experience instead
"Our problems are too serious to give to some inexperienced dot com youths," voters swallow the old mens' political propaganda hook line and sinker

If the current trend continues then expect even more horrifying headlines. All I can say is, "Will the last person leaving Kenya please remember to switch off the lights."

BUT you can do something to STOP IT before it is too late...



Facts About The Coming General Elections;


- The above headlines may look far-fetched, but under the current Kenyan constitution that gives seating Presidents powers that are close to those of the Almighty, they are actually mild. Things can be a lot worse.

- The same politicians who have brought the nation of Kenya to its knees have already launched their political campaigns for 2007 (many of them under the ODM (banner). If Kenyans do not wake up to what is happening, history will repeat itself and we will end up with the same individuals in parliament after 2007.

- Many of these politicians are already drumming up tribal support and dividing Kenyans along tribal lines, in readiness for the general elections. If nothing happens soon, they will be successful yet again and Kenyans will continue to sink deeper and deeper into the current leadership crisis as a certain clique of politicians (who believe that it is their turn to "eat) get richer and enjoy all the perks of being an MP. Even more perks and a further tax-free salary hike for MPs are sure to follow immediately after the general elections and you can be sure that it will be passed unanimously.

- Remember that a politician does not change simply because they have defected to the opposition or to another political party. Or when they decide to stand for President and even hurriedly set up a foundation for the welfare of Kenyans. No former Kanu politician can transform himself or herself into a liberator overnight. You cannot rub off the spots off a Cheetah and even if you do a major paint job, the Cheetah remains a Cheetah.

What needs to be done;
- There is only one known way to deal with this "cancer" (the current leadership crisis in Kenya) and that is -- Radical Surgery!!

- This 'radical surgery' often means that parts of some good functioning organs in the body also need to be cut out to ensure that the cancer is ruthlessly halted before it ruthlessly eats away the entire body. This means that while there are some good guys in the current parliament, the only way forward is for Kenyans to vote out the entire lot. Yes, let's have a completely new set of faces in Parliament. Let us look to vote in a completely new generation of youthful politicians (for better or for worse) and as many women as possible (so far they have a much better track record in public office than men).

- We appeal to all Kenyans under the age of 45 to rise to the occasion and ensure that the coming elections belong to the under 45s and individuals who have never been voted into parliament before. Remember that many Kenyans who fall into this age bracket are the individuals successfully running corruption-free corporations and multi-nationals in Kenya and all over the world.

- We appeal to every Kenyan aged around 45 years (give or take two years) to ensure that their constituency has as many young people standing for public office as possible. Don't worry about funding or winning, the priority right now is to sensitize Kenyan voters. Remember that the money that funds the vast majority of political campaigns in Kenya is corruption money anyway. Once we are all reading from the same script you will be amazed at the possibilities.

- Even if you don't care much about politics, you owe it to your children and grand children (what will you tell them that you did about the problem before it got worse?). Your children cannot live in foreign countries forever and there are hardly enough green cards to go round anyway.

This post has been sponsored by the Kumekucha Blog (
read the latest you've missed on Kenya now ) in the interest of saving the nation of Kenya from disaster in the forthcoming general elections.

You can be of great service to your beloved country by playing your part in preventing disaster in the next elections and giving Kenya a fighting chance. Email and forward this message (just highlight it, cut it and paste it in your email "send" box) to every Kenyan you know. After sending out all the emails you are able to, you can go the extra mile for your country and print out this message and mail it (using snail mail) to as many Kenyans as your budget will allow.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

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The latest news, political and business analysis on Kenya that you will find nowhere else.

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Kibaki and an LDP nail in the wall

Story by MUTAHI NGUNYI / Insight column
Published in the Daily Nation newspaper - 9/26/2004

Those who went to High School in the mid-1970s will remember a book called Hekaya Za Abunwasi. My favourite story in this little ‘adventure book’ was about a certain Mzee who set out to buy a house from Abunwasi. There was only one condition: Abunwasi was ready to sell everything in the house, except for a nail on one of the walls in the sitting room.

The old man thought about it and concluded that he would buy the house anyway. After all, the small nail in the sitting room was nothing. Money changed hands, the deal was sealed, and the Mzee moved in. Two weeks later, Abunwasi was at the old man’s door knocking. He wanted access to his property – the nail on the wall. Shocked by the turn of events, the Mzee had no choice but to allow him in.

Relishing the moment, Abunwasi removed his smelly jacket and went ahead to hang it on ‘his’ nail. He made sure it did not touch any walls, to avoid a lawsuit of course. Then he left. The following week, Abunwasi was at the old man’s door again. This time he had bought a big fat fish, which was beginning to rot.

Without saying hello to the Mzee, he went straight to his nail in the sitting room, removed the dirty jacket and hung the bag of smelly fish. For a good one week, the entire house had a harrowing stench of rotten fish! At this point the old man discovered that he had been tricked. And of course, Abunwasi was at hand to buy him off at a throw away price!

My Form One teacher gave us the moral of this story. She told us that there are no half measures in life. If you decide on a course of action, you must take its full measure. If you settle for less, someone will be at hand to sort you out! And this is President Kibaki’s problem with LDP. He has remained double-minded in his dealings with the party. He wants them in government, but at the same time, he does not.
Retaining LDP in government and downsizing them from within is bad strategy. You can downsize them to a point where all they own in government is a nail on the wall. But knowing LDP, this is probably all they need: a nail. Like Abunwasi, and from a simple nail, these people have potential to make the entire government stink. Therefore, the president should either embrace them in total, or reject them in total. Anything in between is disastrous. Since he has started the process of firing them anyway, he should complete it and with speed.

Let us flip this argument now. Unlike ministers Njenga Karume or Chris Murungaru who are in cabinet at the pleasure of the president, the LDP brigade bought their way into government. If you fire them, you have to refund their money to the tune of 1.5 million votes. Put differently, LDP represents about 1.5 million shareholders on a board called the Cabinet. If they quit, their shareholders by extension quit with them. But what does this mean anyway?

Democratic practice would demand two things from President Kibaki in the event he fires 1.5 million shareholders through their representatives. One, he would have to conduct a plebiscite or a referendum. The idea here is to establish whether the remnants in his government enjoy popular legitimacy, or whether what he has is a bastardised government. If the Kibaki government fails the plebiscite test, it would have to go for the second option: a snap election.

The point here is to seek a fresh mandate. All this however, is not a legal or constitutional requirement. It is just what a decent democratic government would do. And if he fires 1.5 million shareholders through LDP and fails to do this, he would be seen to occupy the position of president fraudulently. This, I must add, is a moral argument.

But who cares about morals and fraud? If the president has no moral authority over the country, he will behave like a parent whose kids no longer listen to him. Inevitably, he will use force in order to be heard. And indeed, if the LDP brigade is cut off from government, we should expect increased repression.

And now a Biblical story for the LDP brigade. Once upon a time, four lepers were stuck outside the gate of Samaria after a siege by Syria. Desperate for food, they argued that if they got back into the city, they would definitely die. And if they sat at the gate, they would also die. The only option they had was to sneak over to the Syrian army camp and gamble for food. They argued that the Syrians might kill them, but they might not! And so they decided to sneak into the enemy’s camp.

As they headed there, their footsteps sounded like the roar of a huge force of cavalry. The Syrian army reasoned that the King of Israel must have hired Hittite and Egyptian troops to attack them. And scared to death, the Syrians abandoned their camp and ran for dear life. When the four lepers reached the edge of the camp, there was no one on site. They walked into the tent and had the ball of their life. Their gamble had paid off.

Like the four lepers, LDP can decide to be bullied into submission, starvation and possible death. Or they can decide to take President Kibaki head on. And like the lepers discovered, once they took the first step, God made their footsteps sound like the roar of a huge force.

In our case, however, we are not sure which side God is supporting. And this is probably why LDP should advance with caution. Like it or not, the coalition cannot be broken without the two parties tearing each other apart. But in the meantime, and like Abunwasi, LDP should maintain the nail in President Kibaki’s sitting room.

However, they should go easy on the rotten fish and the other stinky things they have been hanging on it!

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Site Claims That Githongo Has Already Made A Deal With The Kenyatta Family

It is the policy of this blog to reveal every piece of information that we come across. Even if it contradicts our own view on a person whose integrity we place very highly.

There are claims that Githongo’s release of the Anglo leasing dossier is a well orchestrated plan whose intention is to have Githongo ending up as the next President of Kenya. According to a post at Mashada.com which we can no longer find, a deal has already been made with the Kenyattas and the deal is that they will not be touched or prosecuted. It is claimed that Githongo’s father having been a PS in President Kenyatta’s government for many years, the two families are close.

My opinion is that this is propaganda and not true (although the Mashada.com site has built a reputation for accuracy over many years). More so because it does not make sense for Githongo to release a document that will bring down close friends of his fathers like President Kiabki’s closest advisors, only for him to spare the Kenyatta family.

I just felt that my readers should know about this claim even, if I strongly disagree with it.

There is something the blog comment said that I agree with though. And that is the fact that Githongo’s biggest challenge in his bid for the presidency will be to grapple with the anti-Kikuyu sentiments that are bound to dominate the next elections. However I believe it can be done successfully more so because Githongo belongs to a generation of Kenyans who abhor tribalism.

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The latest news, political and business analysis on Kenya that you will find nowhere else.
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